confused and delayed

Overt the past two weeks I have I obsessed  a little over Bob Dylan.

I mean I have listened to him on and off during my life. I even wrote a five page paper about him in my English lit class at OU in the late 80s. But this time around listening to him I feel like I finally get it.I finally understand the toe or whatever. The message finally, finally resonates with me. 

Am I late to the party? I suppose. Bit like the cliche better late than never.

I drinked a bottle of wine tonight as I was watching the Hemingway Ken Burns special on PBS. Loved it by the way. He lives so much in his first 23 years than many of us can not even begin to dream about. 

I know I can write. I know ai will write again as well. But currently I am still procrastinating. Which I hate as much as I hate looking in the mirror at myself.

I only think about fat just 24 hours of my

life everyday. 

It

comsumes my every waking lime to.  I do good at fasting them cave. I

atema piece for f

cheesecake and at the moment so was eating it it was the most wonderful thing in the world there was nothing any better then I swallowed and hated myself and all i wanted to do was gouge my fingers down my throat and throw up and cut open my neck.

dramatic to say the least,

but 

honest

true

thoughts.

I get

so tired. I 

so lonely. I

can even remember the last time my husband touched me. 

That’s depressing and with my fucked up body image none of that helps the situation, but I guess I

can live with it. 

Lonely sucks though just for the record 

Tonight so I feel “comfortably numb,” to borrow a

phrase from Pink Floyd. Two glasses of wine lol. 

Never in my life have I have been so stressed. 

Today I met my quota, my quota with myself, writing 1,000 words. I don’t think “it’s” any good but so

Something is compelling me to write it. 

Writing keeps me sane. If I didn’t I suppose voices would take over. 

I am watching “Pennyworth.” 

So wish I could travel back in time to the 50s or 60s.

they knew how to dress, lol

Charles Bukowski

I finally finished “Women,” by Bukowski. I told my husband jokingly I think I need a bath after that ride,haha! 

I have read his poetry  and really enjoy it. He is brass and raw and maybe that is why so many are drawn to him. He definitely tells it like it is.

As to his women in the book, I have known a few crazy Lydia’s myself in my lifetime, geeze. 

Sitting here watching “The United States Vs Billie Holiday” such a powerful beautiful movie!

snow in our town

Record cold and snowfall at our home in Oklahoma. We have taken some beautiful pictures. Tomorrow it is supposed to start warming up. 

I think I was about the only one excited to see

the snow! 

Guess it reminds me of my childhood. We would stay outside for hours. My grandma would always have hot chocolate waiting on us when we would come in. 

“Take your shoes off by the door! Get out of those wet things and get over here and warm up. Your hot chocolate is ready.”

Kissing us on the forehead

one of my favorite vintage Valentine’s

Happy Valentine’s Day 2021

 I have been mulling over several manuscripts I have started, put on hold, looked back at, and found boredom again. 

The other night I had a dream and I believe I finally found a voice to create. Everyone always mentions when you hear the voice then you will know. I believe I finally have. 

I wrote it down and realized I actually already had a thousand words. So maybe this time. 

The past year has been draining for me emotionally and physically. Never in my dreams I expected to be a caretaker for my husband. I thought we would have many years together. And I know we will. 

He is such a strong person and has beat everything that has been thrown at him. I am so proud of him. 

He is so much stronger than me. I have been in such a depression over the past months. so many ups and downs, basically there is no other word for it, just it sucks! 

We went on our first real trip after thirteen years of marriage last week. We went to Kansas City, MO from Dallas to see my first daughter and her wife's new baby boy. He was three weeks old and so very precious. 

My daughter is so very happy and it filled my heart with love to see the three of them together. 

My husband and I spent four days there. It snowed everyday we were there and even with the temperatures in the single digits, we super enjoyed watching the snow, seeing the kids and the plane trip. 

I really think we bonded even more than we have been . 

Since we have been home though I have been back to my depression. Depression isn't something to take lightly. Not something you can just get out of. 

But I know life is so short. It is way to short to waste even one minute. 

I am going to force my self to exist. I am going to basically get to it! 

As I sit here and watch the snow fall outside my window I am filled with hope, joy, with a pinch of disgust of the world in which I live. But those later feelings I choose to toss aside. Wish me luck!!

new blog

After a few years I have started a new blog. Guess I am tired of all the voices in my head. Or maybe I am lonely. Whatever it is guess it really doesn’t matter. 

I have been reading a lot Allen Ginsberg mainly and listening to jazz. 

Suppose it’s an escape. An escape from life at the moment. 

I am disillusioned. Scared, lol lonely. I don’t k is too many whatever’s to mention.

my husband has stage 4 colon cancer. Diagnosed in Sept 2019. It’s been 18 months of worry. I think maybe for the first time we may have a sign of relief.

I am so sick of Trump and politics. So sick of hearing about the trump cult lovers that think he was sent here by God. 

Disillusioned by religion. There I have said it. I believe in God bit have begun to dispose organized religion and all the hypocrisy that is involved.

since the George Floyd protests I have seen so many that I once respected really show their true colors with racism and Trumpism that I can not stand.

I mean where I grew up in Oklahoma I knew racism existed. I

jist didn’t know it still existed as much h as it ever did l. So disgusted I am is an understatement 

Jan 6

 

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